To Myself

by Stella Romano

Trigger warning: mentions of self-harm and depression

When you've been together with someone for so

long, it is difficult to let go, isn't it?

I've been in an on and off relationship with my depression for as long as I can

remember -

Her skin is attractively enticing, that even though she wears nothing but a scowl, I'd still

find myself clinging to her

Sometimes, she would ask me to stay in bed; kiss me until my lips are bleeding from

her playful nibbling using her venomous teeth; remind me that being with her is the only desirable cause

And I would worship her words like the gospel; my hands would memorize the razor-cut scars on her wrists like the rough walls of a sacred temple; soon, I would forget what it

feels like to live without her

Sometimes, I would decide that I’ve had enough; only to be reminded that having had

enough will drag me back to the start; and I’ve got nothing left to fight for except her

And she would smile, knowing that even without trying, I would always go back to her;

ankles chained, hands tied, and my heartstrings torn apart - but I don’t care if being with

her would make me feel a little less lonely

Sometimes, the rain would last longer than the sunny days; enough to wash off the

bright colors and bring in nothing but murky waters; and I would still choose to drown

with her rather than swim away

And the raging ocean that we sail away to would hide all the islands nearby; the

hurricane will orbit around us in the speed of two-hundred kilometre per hour, which is

how fast my chest drums when the thought of her slipping away comes in

I know that this isn’t right; that loving her in this shape, in this form, will only cause

nothing but destruction; but baby, this destruction is my rebirth; crumbling down to the ground, the walls that I’ve built to cage us torn apart brick by brick, and then together we

will face a new world

Because she was there when no one else was; because she accepted me when I

couldn’t; because she loved me when I had no love left for myself; yet still, she is the

only monster that I will never be not scared of

But it’s time to say goodbye; to forgive and to forget; to untwine my fingers from her

talons; to heal the hidden scars underneath this filthy skin; to kiss her one last time

before I wake up; to let her go, let her go, let me go -

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